The Band Members
The Knights of the Spatchcock are:
Alen Koljanin (guitar)
Brendan Bail (guitar)
Jamie Dohm (vocals)
Kasia Bail (drums)
Nikki ‘Seagal’ McDerby (bass)
Benjamin James Hay (Alpha Roadie)
The Knights of the Spatchcock invite loyal squires and wenches to their table of festive revelry and moral debauchery. There are no heroes here, only harbingers of aural pleasure.
The official and endorsed bio thus far
This tale begins best with the introduction of Bon Davo and Brendan. At a tender young age Bon Davo was inflicted with the dubious pleasure of meeting Brendan when their respective parents met to discuss weighty adult matters at the local church. When they first met, Brendan was impressed with how serious, constipated, frail and generally uptight Bon Davo was. For his part, Bon Davo envied Brendan’s bowl haircut and his extra tight red jumper that his mother had knitted him. They were not to meet again until some 15 years later during the early 90s when both Brendan and Bon Davo enjoyed moderate success in their respective grunge era band endeavours.
Prior to this, and in another world, Alen had taken Europe by storm in the Croatian cock rock band Osmi Putnik. Heralding from the scenic Dalmation Coast, Alen assaulted the world with his tight women’s clothing, dyed and teased hair, and bulging ball-sack. Two successful albums later he sailed to Australia where he violated the East coast music industry with his offensive bright pink Steve Stevens Hamer guitar.
At some stage in the mid-90s Bon Davo archived his bass to focus instead on painting and double-handed masturbation. Brendan sold all his dodgy guitar gear and stuck with what he was good at - ie. the piano. Alen stopped playing guitar, became fat and perverted, grew a beard and decided to transform into a mature member of society.
Alen and Brendan met in Canberra in the esteemed public service, where Brendan was impressed with the way in which Alen could seduce men and women alike by merely leering at them whilst whispering sweet love tales in a thick Croatian accent. At some stage Alen convinced Brendan to play him something on the guitar and was so disgusted with what he heard that he felt sorry for him and offered to teach him how to play properly. He still hasn’t succeeded.
At this time they met Ulrich the Belcher. Ulrich discovered his musical talent by unleashing vile belches upon the world - a talent instrumental in his unique mating rituals and seduction of women. Thus began his career in vocal harmony and aromatic sound. After years of training in the discipline he discovered that, if he belched with particular enthusiasm, he could regurgitate meals, thus enjoying them several times over. Alen, in great veneration of these talents, begged Ulrich to teach him these new and varied skills of seduction.
It was only recently that Kasia, becoming disillusioned with the jade flute, recorder and clarinet, purchased a drum kit and began belting it into submission. Ulrich, upon hearing this primal thumping, released his bladder with uncontrollable excitement, began to undulate and then broke into raucous song. Kasia has since done enough practice to keep the band in line. Her inability to play in 7/8 time or learn Croatian folk and Salonsko Kolo ballroom dancing has meant that Alen's input into song writing is tamed and remains both listenable and marketable. Kasia has come to realise that the best drummers are usually fat, tattooed, topless and bearded and is contemplating these requirements in the hope of truly attaining acceptance and competence in the pretentious, gender bending and judgmental music industry.
In this unlikely fashion the five became one and the greatest band in Weston Creek, Canberra, Australia, the Earth, was born. Much merriment followed – an EP was released and the Knights hit the stage with feverish vigor.
In 2013 Ulrich the Belcher archived his trumpet and left the band to become a homeless nomad, travelling the world seeking warmer beers and colder climates. Shortly after this Bon Davo was forced into musical retirement due to moving for work to Australia's most unlivable city, Sydney. With the loss of two such virile specimens many were the lamentations of the women.
Minus two knights, the band then embarked upon the weighty process of auditioning a number of vocalists and bassists. It was through this process that vocalist Jasper the Canary was selected. Big points were awarded to him turning up to audition in a bright yellow chicken suit. Jasper brought a darker intensity to the band that soon made everyone increasingly emo. This especially affected Alen who became increasingly constipated. Only through vast quantities of cider could he purge his hardening bowels.
Bass duties were assigned to Nikki ‘Seagal’ McDerby, a devotee of the immortal Steven Seagal. Nikki was well known by the band as an unfriendly dark presence who was often to be seen at gig venues licking the urinals to build up her immunity (or so she says). She excelled at her audition by wearing a heavily stained flanny, and despite not being able to play the bass managed to impress everyone in the room with her ability to giggle inanely and praise her own good looks. Nikki has the unfortunate distinction of having the shortest hair in the band and often begs members for their pubic shavings so that she can summon the powers of Samson and achieve greater musicianship.
Shortly after this the Knights table was further enhanced by the inclusion of Benjamin James Hay (Alpha Roadie). Benjamin James Hay is an aspiring power lifter who enjoys firm bananas and hefting Mesa Boogie hardware. Ben can often be seen at gigs wearing his extra tight yellow shirt and thrusting his hips provocatively. When asked how he tolerates the often thankless job of lugging band gear around, Ben's fearsome response is usually "Lift heavy and serve the Gods of Metal".
By 2015 Jasper had become very much like Elvis. Although his voice was still strong, he followed the path of The King into a life of excess that left him stranded somewhere in the tropics.
Enter the Germanic stallion Jamie Dohm, fresh from the stables and ready to fertilise the world at his feet. Jamie joined the band on the strengths of his hair, his cheese cake making abilities and his strangely arousing short (very short) AFL shorts. Upon joining the Knights Jamie discarded his propensity to simply bellow and growl on stage and instead began singing like an angelic choir boy infused with Russell Crowe. Jamie brings his unique charm, wide legged stances and new age sensitivity to the band, effectively offsetting Alen's old school chauvinistic and pre-historic Phillistine ways.
The band welcome you to their festive table and we look forward to sharing our good times and music with you all! BB, AK, JD, KB, NM and BH.
The Knights cordially give thanks to
- Bon Davo (bass 2009 – 2013)
- Ulrich the Belcher (vocals and trumpet 2009 – 2013)
- Jasper the Canary (vocals 2013 – 2015)
Groupies, fans, supporters and followers of all shapes, sizes and demeanours including but not limited to:
- Tim Hughes and Michael Cheng (photography)
- Dax Liniere (Puzzle Factory Sound Studio)
- Georgia Cummins (Merchandise, media, and website)
- Niki O’Brien (recording, promo)
- The Australian venues, sound technicians and promo people
- The multitude of bands that we’ve had the pleasure to share the stage with
- Leif Nilsson (roadie and film clips / photography)
- Somesh Singh, Cameron Brennan
- Michael Robson (Madram Studios)
- Andrew Maclean Photography
- Duncan Lowe of Infidel Studios